Things I Learned at Work
Before he retired, my former mentor used to always tell me, “You need to learn how to say no.” I would go around in circles, trying to figure out how I was going to do every single thing that was asked of me at work. In the end, I would look back and see how much more productive I could have been if I had just prioritized. All I needed were boundaries.
In this economy, I know I’m lucky to have a job. I think for a while, I equated defining my boundaries to the daily aspects of my career as putting my job in jeopardy. On the contrary, since I learned how to clarify my role, and prioritize my tasks – and yes, say NO once in a while – I have been a much more successful businessperson. It also created more balance at home because I was taking care of my own responsibilities, and it helped me to focus.
Due to the overwhelming power of WMG (working mom’s guilt), creating boundaries at home tends to actually be a bit more difficult for me – but not impossible. Most working moms try to make up for their daily absence by overcompensating – whether through additional, undeserved privileges for our kids, or allowing our family to “laze” while we toil.
Unfortunately, not only is this an unhealthy practice for children who are supposed to learn responsibility from their parents, but it also puts us in a place where we start to resent the extra “work.” It’s just plain unfair.
One of the things I say most often when I get run-down is, “I spend all of my time, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, doing things for other people.” Yes, I love my family, and I want to do things for them – but unless they make some effort help out, I start to feel a bit taken advantage of. “Thank You!” helps, but it doesn’t replace the relief of knowing that someone else did the dishes.
A lot of working moms I’ve talked to are in the same boat. You don’t want to resent your own family for the additional demands they put on you, but you do. The only way to rectify it is to clearly communicate your boundaries to your family members, while still making it clear that you love them. Here are some suggestions–
“I understand you are hungry and would like to eat. Please go make yourself a sandwich. Love you!”
“If you are out of clean underwear, you should probably go start a load of your own laundry. Love you!”
“No, I do not know where your uniform/book/toy/shirt is. Please go look for it yourself. Love you!”
“I taught you how to start your own bath. Please go do it on your own. I love you!!” (This one is dedicated to my 6 year old daughter, who is completely convinced that she cannot run her own bath properly.)
To those with babies, I know these are not things that you can do. You can’t tell an 8 month old to make his snack. Just keep this in mind for a few years down the road! Hang in there!
